Stephen
Terry, Director
Season
of Parenting
Commentary
for the May 25, 2019 Sabbath School Lesson
“Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who
loves their children is careful to discipline them.” Proverbs 13:24, NIV
This scripture passage and its companion, Proverbs 22:6,[i] are arguably among the
most abused proof texts in the Bible, especially in the harsher iteration of
the King James Version of the Bible. The above text and four others like it in
Proverbs have been used to justify all manner of parental abuse toward children.
Parents who barely understand their own relationship to Christ nonetheless grab
on to this passage with eager hands because it seems to offer them an easy out
for dealing with out-of-control children and assuages any guilt they might feel
for the pain they cause the little ones. Quite simply, it is a vestige of a
more barbaric time when parents were allowed to give free rein to vent their
anger at the expense of those unable to physically resist them. Even when
punishment may be deserved, it should be administered in justice and not rage.
Otherwise the child will learn that losing one’s temper is a valid response to the
challenges life throws at them, and that it is OK to inflict pain commensurate
with the level of rage aroused. Little wonder, with such an approach, there is a
tendency to so much violence in the world.
It is already an uphill battle to raise children who
think problems through rather than simply emotionally react to every obstacle
they encounter. The media constantly inundates all of us with examples where
the “hero” gives free vent to their rage and annihilates every opponent with
whatever weapon they have at their disposal. The reasoning is “Why waste time
constructively dealing with a problem when you can just annihilate it?” Instead
of working together toward solutions, this encourages each of us to become
islands in isolation from the rest of society and also unfortunately removed
from the rich store of alternative possibilities that exist for problem solving
and conflict resolution. When we reduce the solution to a simplistic use of
force, we not only harm those who are the targets of that force, we also harm
ourselves by stunting opportunities for growth in understanding through open communication
and shared experiences.
Perhaps what some parents do not realize is that venting
their rage on their children for misbehaving might also ensure that, once they
become physically strong enough to do so, those same children may return that
rage, pound for pound, upon their parents. Far too many homes have been
terrorized by unruly, violent teenagers who learned well the lessons of controlling
others by force that their parents taught them in childhood. Sadly, those
parents discover to their chagrin that the bell that has been rung cannot be
unrung. They have lost the opportunity to exemplify healthy interaction, and
the child, now demonstrates the same behavior they have experienced. The
dysfunctionality that could have been moderated can now only be endured. Many
prayers may be offered by distraught parents trapped in such circumstances and
God certainly responds to those prayers, but the broken child, just like each
of us, has their free will to resist even God’s grace and compassion and far
too many do, in spite of those prayers.
This brings us to the other text in Proverbs 22, “Train
up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from
it. (KJV)” I have heard this verse ad
nauseum as a marketing tool for parochial education. The idea promoted is, if
you sacrificially spend the money for the high cost of parochial school tuition,
it represents some kind of warranty that your child will grow up and remain in
the faith. For those denominations that have parochial schools, and the Seventh-day
Adventist church has one of the largest parochial school systems, hundreds of
thousands of children have been fed into the grist mill of denominational
inculcation in an effort to fulfill the promise of that verse. However, many
have grown up to have nothing to do with their denomination once they were old
enough to direct their own lives. This should come as no surprise for the Bible
teaches us that this is at times the case. Whether we look at the account as
metaphorical or literal, the lesson is the same in the case of Cain and Abel.
Two sons, both raised in the same home with the same examples and instruction
from their parents nonetheless chose two entirely different pathways in life,
even to the extent of one son killing the other.[ii] In spite of the success
of the verse as a marketing tool for parochial education, biblically, there is
no assurance that parochial school will be more likely to produce a faithful
adult for my particular child than might be produced by a child of a Christian
home attending public school. What is more likely with a parochial school is
that children from families with influence regarding denominationally related
employment may have enhanced opportunities for pursuing similar employment. This
may create and perpetuate dynasties resulting in unwritten recognition of those
families who are “in” and those who are “out.” The result can be a closed
system that makes it very hard for the child from a dysfunctional home who
responds to God’s call and is baptized into the church to penetrate the
invisible walls that surround everything in regards to employment, social
interaction, and even positions of responsibility and control within the
denomination. Perhaps this is in some part responsible for why, when new
members come in the front door, just as many or more tend to go out the back.
It seems that those who are in control can often decide very early on whether a
newcomer reminds them of Cain or Abel and categorize them accordingly. Then
they focus their mentoring and compassion on the ones deemed acceptable, like
Abel, and do not waste time on those cases that might be the far more difficult
Abels. This of course diminishes the power of God to
speak into those most difficult situations that often bring the greatest glory
to his name.
The point of all of this is that we might want to stop
viewing God as some kind of heavenly vending machine where if we put in the
right change, we get the product we desire. While God is sovereign over all, we
each have free will, and God does not allow for any magical abracadabra of proof texts to overrule
that freedom. We love to use those texts against one another and also freely do
so with our children. But even Psychology 101 teaches us that when we are
pointed with others like this it is likely more a matter of our own struggling
self-esteem. We recite the list of their sins in order to build ourselves up because
they may be different than our own. Jesus saw it the same way and even gave the
example of the Pharisee and the Publican (tax collector) in hopes that we might
learn from that parable how wrong it is to lift ourselves up by diminishing
others.[iii] Often we identify with the
tax collector in that story, but the paradox is that if we think we are the tax
collector then we are Pharisee, believing that we are the one who is most right
with God. As parents we might be tempted to see ourselves as God’s voice to our
children and for that reason alone, the children should fear and obey us. But
similar to the story of the Pharisee and the Publican, Jesus also pointed out
that children tend to be closer to God than those adults who presume they are.[iv]
In the Parable of the Sheep and the Goats,[v] Jesus revealed that our
salvation depends upon our ability to see Christ in others. When we treat
others as we would treat Christ, if he were present in their stead, we are on
the path to heaven. If this is true of how we might be tempted to treat strangers,
how much more true is it for those we know, and especially for those in our
families, including our children? Can we look at those children the same way
that Mary looked at baby Jesus when she held him in her arms? Did she ponder his
presence and purpose as she watched him play? Are we capable of seeing every
child as being sent by God for a specific purpose? Are we intent on bending
that child to our will, or can we support and allow that child the freedom to
discover and fulfill the will of God for them? Or like the Pharisees, when
confronted with the reality of Jesus, do we feel our own understanding of God threatened
when our child, or anyone’s calling from God challenges our sense of God’s
will? Perhaps if we can have the courage to ask ourselves these questions and
others like them, we can arrive at the place where we are not manipulating others,
including our children, to build up our own self-esteem, sacrificing our
families in order to gain the approval of others. We have all been guilty of
this at times. We can do better.
