Dealing with Fights
Stephen Terry
Commentary for the February 14, 2015
Sabbath School Lesson
“‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not
let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a
foothold.” Ephesians 4:26-27, NIV
Quarrels
seem to have been a part of human existence ever since the beginning when Adam
blamed Eve for giving him the forbidden fruit and even blamed God for creating
her in the first place. No one likes to be blamed for wrong doing, and although
the Bible is silent about how Eve felt toward Adam after this blame game, it
does say that she passed on the blame to the serpent. When we blame others for
our actions, we are denying our culpability as though we had no free choice in
the matter and the other person was pulling our strings, controlling us as it
were. But there is not control without acquiescence. In that acquiescence may
lay more blame than we are willing to admit. This is especially so if we knew
better yet gave in anyway.
This was
perhaps the case with Adam in Genesis, chapter three, for both he and Eve
appear to have known that they were not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge of
Good and Evil. Yet, in spite of that understanding, Eve went along with the
serpent, and Adam went along with Eve. The interesting thing is that even
though they both found occasion to shift the blame, it did not allow them to
escape the penalty for what they had done. This is often the case. It seems we
all too often want to avoid blame for something that has gone wrong in a vain
hope to escape the consequences of our choices and resulting actions. Perhaps
we do this because it has worked for us in the past. But eventually it will
catch up with us. As the Pentateuch tells us, “be sure your sin will find you
out.”[i]
It can be frightening to contemplate the possibility of exposure in this way,
but it can also be liberating. For when we come to admit that we have been
playing that blame game, we can start to grow beyond it.
The Bible
tells us that when we sin we are breaking the Law.[ii]
That means that blaming others as though they were responsible for our choices
is sin, because it is giving false witness about someone else. However, once we
recognize our sin, it becomes possible to repent and seek forgiveness and
grace. It is only when we do not recognize this problem that we are in trouble,
for if we don’t, we do not even understand the need for change. Then we simply
go on blaming others and maybe even shifting the blame for every bad decision
we ever made to someone else, and ultimately, to God who created those other
individuals who came into our lives. We may even blame God directly, not only
for everything that has gone wrong in our lives, but the world in general, with
its wars, famines, plagues, and poverty. But in the end, we may simply be
shifting the blame from our own shoulders to His. This becomes clear when we
discover that the problems do not go away simply because we remove God from the
equation. Perhaps we may come to realize that God is not the problem. We are.
In this
crazy, mixed up world, it can be easy to blame others for the problems. We may
debate over whether or not we need another big, flat-screen television in a
world where others would be happy to simply have books to read for school. We
may look in our closets and wardrobes full of clothes and proclaim we have
nothing to wear, while someone elsewhere is still wearing the same thing he or
she wore yesterday and maybe every day for the last six months. We may feel
that our old fashioned car is out of style and needs to be replaced, while
others may walk miles to and from work or school because they can afford no
other transportation. But in all these comparison, do we ever consider that we
might be to blame for the inequities, or if we even think about it, do we blame
someone doing something somewhere else? We may blame big discount stores for
exploiting these people by paying them starvation wages that don’t allow them
to share in the blessings of modern society, but when we demand the lower
prices made possible by those exploitative wages, who is really to blame? How
often we have said, “I got it cheaper at store A,” without every stopping to
consider why?
Does this
mean that paying more at another store is the answer? Maybe not, especially if
that extra simply goes into corporate wealth and does nothing to address any of
these issues. But perhaps we can accept responsibility for the choices we make
and realize that those choices have consequences that affect other real human
beings. When we take a stone and toss it into a lake, we may not be able to see
the far side of the lake, but the ripples from that stone, however small, reach
every shore. It does not matter whether the stone or the one tossing it was
good or bad, the effect is the same, and the same ripples that go to that far
shore also come back to us. Perhaps we can go so far as to say that when we
refuse to accept responsibility for the effect of our actions on others, then
the same will come back to us when others refuse to accept responsibility for
what happens to us. When we make the choice to toss the stone in the water, few
will believe us if we blame the results on the One who made the stone.
Bringing this back to a more personal level, when things go wrong in our lives,
do we accept responsibility for the results of our choices, or do we look for
someone to blame for what has happened? Do we blame a bad boss, a stingy
friend, or even God? Do we blame our spouse when things go wrong? Do we blame
our family, or how we were raised? In the end does all of this blaming resolve
anything, or does it instead simply create more quarrels? Does all of this
blaming prevent us from seeing the real problem, a difficulty in accepting
personal responsibility for our lives?
Our verse at
the top of the page tells us not to let the sun go down on our quarrels or it
will give the devil an entering wedge into our lives. But that does not mean
that we accomplish that by simply telling the other person to stop arguing or
even by our ceasing to argue the point. It takes more than that. It means
accepting personal responsibility for why things went wrong in the first place
and not striving to correct the other person, but instead addressing our own
part in what created the conflict. This not only has the potential to
de-escalate the argument, but provides an example for how the other person
might do the same without our actually saying so.
In an ideal
world, perhaps everyone would automatically only make right choices and say
only thoughtful and kind things. But in this world, we are prone to errors of
discernment. We might say things that come off as unkind and hurtful without
meaning to simply because we did not think them through, or were tired, or were
struggling with other issues. Or we may inadvertently pass on the hurt someone
has passed on to us either recently or in the past. When the reaction hits us
for what we have done, we quickly become aware of our mistake. At that point,
it behooves us not to add fire to fire by entering into the blame game, but
instead to accept responsibility for that error when we become aware of it.
Jesus said
that what we do to the least among us is as though it were done to Him.[iii]
Perhaps this applies to our relationships to spouses, parents, children,
siblings, friends, co-workers, and anyone we may have potential to enter into a
quarrel with. When we come into relationship with Jesus, we do so by admitting
the errors or our sinful past, and then repenting or turning away from those errors.
He then extends to us His mercy and compassion so we can receive His Spirit of
love into our hearts. Could it be the same for our relationships with others?
Can we build a better relationship by admitting our imperfections, repenting of
the problems they are causing, so that others can extend mercy and compassion
toward us? The resulting loving relationship may heal the wounds caused by
those imperfections and eventually even the imperfections themselves. This may
seem to be impossible in some situations, but with God all things are possible.[iv]
If He could create our world, and even the universe, is it really such a far
stretch to believe that He can bring healing and love into our relationships
also? Perhaps it’s worth a try.
